I have lied to myself, my family...

I have lied to myself, my family and my friends. I think I have lied so much I do not know what is the truth anymore and what is a lie. I tell my friend I hope everything is ok with her when deep down i want her to go away. I slept with her boyfriend ( after they broke up) and we hid it from her until we confronted her in front of our friends. I tell her that I am sorry when I am not. I tell ehr everything is fine and it is not. I tell my family I am ok and I am not in love with this guy and I am. I tell my friends I am listening when all I want to is for them to shut up. I tell myself it is all my fault for everything when I know it is not. I tell myslef so much I cannot sleep at night anymore because I want to belive my lies so much ......hoping the yall will come true.